Sunday, October 30, 2011

Dark Souls

I have been playing Dark Souls, I am not nearly close to being finished it yet, but I thought that I would share with you all what my thoughts on it are so far.

This is an incredibly oppressive game. Much more so then my usual game. It's not like you can just stroll into a town and visit an inn and be all safe and what not. The only safe havens I have come across so far, and the only ones in the game as far as I know, are the bonfires. You can heal and level up at them. But you fight like hell to get to them. I know that I have had enough when I really don't want to leave a bonfire. That is the point when I turn the game off. But then I am left thinking about it for a long time afterwards. The game is really gritty looking, which I feel adds to the atmosphere really well.

This game punishes your mistakes. Early on, I made the mistake of trying to kill an NPC who I felt was a little rude. It was right by a bonfire. That was a mistake. Not only did he kill me, but every time I respawned, he jumped up from his seat, ran over to me and proceeded to kill me again. Over and over and over. I tried everything, but I was not nearly high enough level and so I felt my only option was to start the game over again. That's what I did.

I love how you do not have to carry a fucking torch with you. I hate that game play mechanic. I find carrying a torch stupid and unnecessary. I am perfectly willing to accept that either my character can see in the dark or that her light source is somewhere other then being held in her hand taking away her slot for her shield.

I feel like every time I make it some where in the game, that I have accomplished something. The game is hard and it feels good to make progress in it.

I really like the controls. I have heard complaints about them, but I feel the set up works really well for me.

I would recommend this game, but probably not to everyone. I think you have to have a bit of a masochistic (did I actually spell that word right? I couldn't imagine that I did, but my spell checker is not refuting it) personality to play it. Which, given that I stuck it through a physics degree, I have already proven that I do.
So, I don't feel in my last post, that I stressed enough how much better it is now. I think that as I was living in all of the shit, that I slowly become accustomed to things getting progressively more horrible and so I didn't realize quite how bad it was. Things like knowing that the money I just got paid is still going to be in my bank account tomorrow because I haven't spent it. Being able to buy groceries and thus knowing where my next meal is going to come from. Having myself and my cats living someplace safe, where we are not under threat of being kicked out. Not being at work and wondering if I am going to get a phone call with another crisis happening that I have to leave work for. Not being spun in one direction and then the other. Not being told lies about people I trusted and loosing friends over those lies just so that he could isolate me more and make me think that I had no one to turn to. I am my own person now and I control my life (PS, that is just a statement and not the beginnings of a philosophical debate on predestination or other such crap).

I have actually started talking to a few people at work. A couple of them work evening shift, so I only see them for like 15 minutes at a time, but still. Also, one of them recently got transferred to a different department in a different building for an unforeseeable amount of time. Which made me kind of sad when he told me this. Things are progressing slowly on the making friends front, but they are progressing none the less. My world is becoming less lonely.

I am also really happy to be blogging again and to be back on twitter. I feel like stopping those, was one of the first points of my isolation. I love blogging and tweeting, it's so much fun. Who doesn't want to have the contents of their brain spewed on the internet for random strangers to read? Although, I am really happy that there are about a million other people with my name (I am however not happy about the fact that there are a million people with a certain person's name with whom I tried, but failed at social media creeping because of it) because it makes it hard for people to social media creep me. As much as I like doing it to people at work, I don't know how much I would like for work people to find my blog. Which, I suppose some people would take as an argument for me not putting stuff up on here, but I have tried to find myself and I do not come up anywhere near the top in a google search. And none of them know LefthandedSocks, so I feel that it is okay. And if they do find me, oh well, I suppose they learn about what happened. Which really wouldn't be the end of the world, divorce being so common place these days and all. This is a really useless paragraph.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Now it has been five months. I was thinking it was six, but it's just five. It seems like a lot longer then that. It seems like another life.

I am definitely not as angry as I was about the whole situation. I have been able to let a lot of that go. (I think Dark Souls is doing the job that I hoped that it would do. Because video games are awesome)

Life really is about the choices that we make. He chose to lie. I understand that compulsive lying is a thing. But you still have to chose to tell the lie. I have had to overcome compulsions my entire life so that I can function in society. It has taken a lot of work for me to get to where I am today from where I came from as a child. He is choosing not to do that. I don't know where he is today or what he is doing, but I really hope he is getting help. For his sake and for the sake of the next person he brings into his life.

This time last year, I can remember exactly what was going on because this is when all of the stuff really started happening. His mistakes started coming to the surface and he couldn't hide them anymore. It really does seem like a different life. I look back and I just can not believe that was my life and that was me. Because it wasn't me and it wasn't the life that I am supposed to be living. It is so much better now. I can't express how thankful I am that I left and that I had somewhere to go.

Forgiveness is something I am approaching. I am not quite there yet. But the idea of it no longer seems like the end point of a vertical asymptote and me the function approaching it. Mostly, I feel sorry for him. A person can't constantly be destroying their life and the lives of the people around them.

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
Things I thought I'd put behind me
Haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets it's eyes on you
But I wont run,
Have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I wont give in
No more denying, I've got to face it
Wont close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground
It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world
I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I wont run,
There's no turning back from here
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

~ Stand My Ground by Within Temptation

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Zachary Quinto is kind of awesome

This is a link to the blog post that he wrote for when he came out. Do yourself a favor and read it, it is beautifully written.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Recently, this was one of my friend's facebook statuses.
"____ thinks you're still one of the 99%. I work hard and live modestly, too, and I generally don't have a lot to worry about. But the possibility that one small thing could completely reverse all the security and hope a person has in his/her life is enough to make me really fucking mad. It could happen to you. It could happen to me. It's already happened to countless people, both strangers and friends. We should be working together to destroy the entities that manufacture and perpetuate this particular brand of bullshit. It's not about laziness or finding a scapegoat--it's about giving half a fuck for ourselves and the people we share this planet with."
She has always spoken up and fought for what she believes in. Until recently her and her husband were living in a place where that was not an easy thing. For that, I admire her greatly and wish that I could be as articulate as she is.

I wonder if the Occupy protests will lead anywhere? I certainly hope that they do. Socialism needs a voice politically in the United States, and elsewhere. It makes me happy that there are so many people who are standing up for what they believe in. It's so important that we have a voice and perhaps one day, changes will be made to the system. Perhaps one day people will give a fuck about other people. That would be nice.

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.
What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?
Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.
What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh
How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

~ Dear Mr. President by P!nk

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Marriage

In light of recent events in my life, I am starting to look at marriage in a very different light. I used to think that marriage is what two people used to show that they were committed to each other, but why do you need marriage. Can't two people be just as committed to each other and not be married or the opposite, be married but not committed to each other. If I hadn't been married, I would have left the relationship long before I did. It was a crappy relationship, even before shit started hitting the fan. But I stayed because I was married. I had a wedding, we said stuff and made commitments to each other. Commitments which, on his part, turned out to be just lies. Why is that necessary? What's so great about a ceremony and a piece of paper? I am definitely out of the marriage camp and I would, in the very least, encourage people to live together for a while before they get married. I no longer think that marriage means commitment. Marriage is just words and words are wind. The relationship is what matters more.

Monday, October 03, 2011

Spoiler Alert- Dance with Dragons

Warning, this contains spoilers for Dance with Dragons by George R. R. Martin.

I finished Dance with Dragons on Sunday. Where to begin? I was looking forward to this book a lot before it came out. I started reading the series about a year ago when someone I worked with introduced it to me. I fell in love with the series from the first book. The second and third were also amazing and made me want to keep reading more and dive right into the fourth book. However, that is where the brick wall happened. But I made it through the fourth book, despite it not having the three characters that I cared about the most and despite pretty much nothing happening. I was excited to start Dance with Dragons because those three characters were supposed to be featured in it and I thought, surely with all the set up work done in the fourth book that this one will be nothing but action packed. Boy was I wrong. I could understand the first part of the book being slow because he needed to set stuff up for the characters who weren't in the last one, but once the rest of the characters started showing up again, I expected things to start happening. But nothing happened. I got to the end of the book and thought surely there must be more, even though I had just finished nearly 1000 pages. In the first three books, he did such a good job of quickly setting up events and then having the shit hit the fan. But since then, he has gone through almost 2000 pages and 5 years of nothing happening. The sixth book better be exploding with shit, otherwise it might have been the second biggest waste of my time.

So, the one thing that did happen, left me really angry. As I said, there are three characters that I actually care about (and this is three out of about one hundred) - Arya, Dany and Jon. Of course he had to go and kill Jon. And it wasn't even a good death, it was horrible. Stabbed in the back by his own men. My only hope is that he transferred himself into Ghost. I am assuming that was the point of the prologue. Ghost better be kicking some Night's Watch ass in the sixth book. Or in the very least, meeting up with either Summer or Nymeria. The letter that Jon got in the end, I can't decide if it was just a ploy by the Night's Watch, or if Bolten did actually defeat Stannis. But then why wouldn't he have Theon? How would Theon have escaped that?

Speaking of Theon; another reason I currently hate GRRM is because he made me sympathize with Theon, despite what he did. I can understand why he did what he did in the third book. He never felt like he belonged anywhere and all he wanted was his father's approval. It doesn't justify what he did, but I can understand it. He has paid a really terrible price for what he has done. I hope that he gets his vengeance in the next two books. I loved how he started questioning everything and in the end realised that he should have died with Rob.

There was one line in one of Bran's chapters that I found interesting. He was in Summer at the time and thinking about his brothers and sisters. He said one of them had been killed, Grey Wind. But Lady is also dead. Or is she? Maybe it wasn't Lady that Ned killed. Or maybe I am reading too much into something that might just be an error. We know for sure Grey Wind is dead, but I think it would be interesting if Lady isn't.

Arya is still as awesome as ever:)

Dany kind of started to make me angry. She keeps going on about her children in Meereen. Nobody cares about Meereen, get your ass back to the Seven Kingdoms and claim your birthright for goodness sakes. But, she does redeem herself in the last chapter. But still, she really needs to get back to the Seven Kingdoms.

Here's hoping that something happens in the sixth book, you know when it comes out in 10 years.
So, four months have come and gone since I left. I think it has been two months since I last marked the time. The last two months have definitely been an up and down of thoughts and emotions about the situation. I have come to two possiblities about the situation. I am not sure which one I lean to more.

1. He is an evil, souless, bastard who never loved me and gets his jollies from screwing people over.

2. He did love me and is actually sick and feels bad about what he has done or at will feel bad at some point in his life.

Obviously, I hope that it is the second one and that he does get help at some point. The second option is easier to stomach, but also requires a certain amount of understanding and forgiveness on my part. The understanding part still really isn't there, so it is hard to accept the forgiveness part.

The first option is more clear cut, easier to get. Black and white.

Either way, I will never know the truth because every thing he says is a lie.

I hate not knowing, because I like to know everything, but I think I have to leave it at that. But what is one more uncertainty in a universe directed by uncertainty?

I used to get stuck in the memories of the lies, but that hasn't happened in a while because I learned how to get myself out. Maybe some people would call that avoiding it, but I don't see it that way. There is no point in trying to unravel the truth from the lies because there was no truth. So I just assume that everything was a lie and instead of wasting my time getting stuck, I am trying to learn how to trust again. I know that one day I will be able to trust someone enough to let them in again. I don't actually want to be alone for the rest of my life, so my only option is to learn. And every day get stronger and better and not look back.