Thursday, July 28, 2011

So it has been two months today since the day that I left my marriage. I wonder if, as the years go on, May 28 will be one of those dates that I always say hey today is May 28, this was the day _ years ago that I became free. Or if eventually I will just forget what the date was because it will no longer hold enough significance to matter. I guess I will see.

Playground school bell rings again,
Rain clouds come to play, again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,
Hello...

If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,
Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,
Don´t cry...

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,
Hello, I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday...

~ Hello by Evanescence

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Within Temptation!!

Katrina and I got our tickets for the Within Temptation concert!! I can not wait for this concert. Sharon is an amazing singer. If you have not heard this band, you must look them up.

Monday, July 25, 2011

So if I am being honest with myself, things really were bad for a long time before the end. There were times when I was so angry at him, but I did not want to admit that I might have made a mistake. Also he had this way of whenever I got angry with him for something, he would always manage to make me feel guilty about it. I did not even necessarily have to get angry, just whenever I confronted him on something. There was a lot of guilt tripping in that marriage.

Things started out so good and so innocent. He was always there when I needed him and in turn I thought that I could take him away from the life that he had and show him what I considered to be a better way of life. But you can not change people and I was so blind and arrogant to think that I could.

I should never have let things get as far as they did. I knew there was something wrong, but I just could not admit that I was wrong. He gave me everything I thought I needed; at first. But then took away all of my trust and innocence.

I really hope that this has not made it so that I will never trust another person the way that I need to in order to be in a relationship again. I do not think it will, but how do you trust again. This is not really anything that I need to be thinking about right now, but I think that it is natural to think about.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Explaining my music

Today at work, someone asked me what kind of music I listen to, which I answered with the usual female fronted metal answer. You know, most people do not know that this type of music exists. (I, myself, didn't know it existed until about 6 years ago.) It's really hard to explain when the only thing most people think of when they consider metal music is the classic metal core band. I eventually just gave up and said that I know that it sounds ridiculous, but it is really awesome. I don't think I was very convincing, the conversation ended with a thick amount of skepticism in the air.

It really is amazing music. Especially symphonic metal. There is something about the combination of metal rifts, symphony music and operatic vocals that just does it for me.

Here is a list of bands that you should listen too:

Epica
Nightwish
Delain
In This Moment
Within Temptation
The Agonist
ReVamp

Within Temptation is coming to Toronto in September. This is a can't miss, possibly once in a lifetime, concert. I can't wait.
Okay, so obviously some days are easier then others. Sometimes thoughts lead me down into memories that I would rather not explore, but then I can't stop. There is just so much I don't know and wished that I had answers too. That's the hardest part.

Remember that old, quiet day
I remember the innocence with it
I remember the death, it was beautiful
I remember the nothingness of me

I Remember back, in the beginning
I remember the years all too well
I remember dreams of a better world
And I remember what they did to me

I know that I can survive this
I know that there's a way
I know that I can survive this
I see a way

Release me from these memories
And show me a way to be free
Release me from these chains
And show me a way for me to start again and start this all over

I remember the martyrs in disbelief
And I remember the look on their face
I remember all of the filthy waste
And I remember what they stole from me

I know that I can survive this
I know that there's a way
I know that I can survive this
I see a way

Release me from these memories
And show me a way to be free
Release me from these chains
And show me a way for me to start again and turn this all around

I remember the looks on their face
And I remember the filthy waste
And I remember what they did to me
They took my innocence

Release me from these memories
And show me a way to be free
Release me from these chains
And show me a way for me to start again and turn this all
To start again and turn this all around.

~Remember by In This Moment

Saturday, July 23, 2011

It's been a while (again)

Haven't posted here in a while, at least not anything with original content. There is a reason for the song lyrics. If anyone still actually read this blog, then there would be some of you who know why and some of you who don't. I don't even know why I am posting anything here. It just seemed the thing to do.

For some reason the mouse stopped working and so I am trying to navigate without using a mouse. It probably is a some what useful skill to have. Maybe not.

I do kind of miss my blog. I used to have a lot to say. Apparently not anymore.

I got to geek out today at work. It was fun. Hopefully the new "real" job will have people to geek out with. I am assuming there will be, seeing as it is a lab and all.

Ooo, I managed to open iTunes, go to the music I wanted and then make my way back to my blog. Sweet. In case anyone is interested, I am listening to the album A Star Crossed Wasteland by In This Moment. Fantastic album.

I have been considering putting down here the things that have transpired in the last little while that has led to the lyrics being posted. It's hard though. While a lot or people know what happened, or that something happened, I haven't had to tell too many people. Not that anyone reads this anymore. But still. I had considered putting something up on the day that was supposed to be special, but I decided against it. I didn't feel like attention needed to be drawn to that day. Plus, the truth is, I've accepted it. Stuff in life happens and you can either curl up in a ball and cry or hold your head up high and fix your own life. So it seems silly to dwell on it. My life took a detour for a while, so now it is time to get back on track.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

My beautiful liar
Why are you crying
On your knees
You've crucified yourself
And now denial is rising

Why
So tell me

So tell me how did you lose yourself at sea
Drifting within
So tell me why did you cast yourself away
It's such a sweet addiction
You should celebrate

My beautiful liar
You are drowning
In your fear
You're cutting into me
You think if I bleed
It can save you

Why
So tell me

So tell me how did you lose yourself at sea
Drifting within this
So tell me why did you cast yourself away
It's such a sweet addiction
You should celebrate

And you know if I could
I'd take your pain
But will you turn and face your disease


~ Lost At Sea by In This Moment

Monday, July 04, 2011

I was never good enough
I listened to their lies
I crucified myself
I always, but now I realize
That I’m the only one
Who can mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
I was my own worst enemy
I was blinded by my shame
A hopeless masquerade
Never ending
The guilty down inside
Was a blessing in disguise to mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
I can mend my ways
Now, I’m flying, hanging on the wind
Following the night
And ride
Leave gravity behind
Following the light
Finally I can breathe
I
I bury all my doubts
I've learned to live without
The fear of endless scars
In this star
I can mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
I can mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
My dying star


~ Dying Star by In This Moment