Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Now it has been five months. I was thinking it was six, but it's just five. It seems like a lot longer then that. It seems like another life.

I am definitely not as angry as I was about the whole situation. I have been able to let a lot of that go. (I think Dark Souls is doing the job that I hoped that it would do. Because video games are awesome)

Life really is about the choices that we make. He chose to lie. I understand that compulsive lying is a thing. But you still have to chose to tell the lie. I have had to overcome compulsions my entire life so that I can function in society. It has taken a lot of work for me to get to where I am today from where I came from as a child. He is choosing not to do that. I don't know where he is today or what he is doing, but I really hope he is getting help. For his sake and for the sake of the next person he brings into his life.

This time last year, I can remember exactly what was going on because this is when all of the stuff really started happening. His mistakes started coming to the surface and he couldn't hide them anymore. It really does seem like a different life. I look back and I just can not believe that was my life and that was me. Because it wasn't me and it wasn't the life that I am supposed to be living. It is so much better now. I can't express how thankful I am that I left and that I had somewhere to go.

Forgiveness is something I am approaching. I am not quite there yet. But the idea of it no longer seems like the end point of a vertical asymptote and me the function approaching it. Mostly, I feel sorry for him. A person can't constantly be destroying their life and the lives of the people around them.

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
Things I thought I'd put behind me
Haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets it's eyes on you
But I wont run,
Have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I wont give in
No more denying, I've got to face it
Wont close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground
It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world
I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I wont run,
There's no turning back from here
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

~ Stand My Ground by Within Temptation

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